😔 so my little for Big Brother Big Sister tried killing herself…. Some Big I am…
why hasnt anyone ever listened to me?
writing all of these personal essays for college is really making me think…. i have been telling people for years, my whole life actually, that someone or something is wrong with me. and not one person has taken the time to listen…. when i was little, fending for myself and my sister every day because my mother was to hungover to get out of bed, or to drunk to walk, feeding and bathing my sister from kindegarten to the 4th grade. i remember every day and my daily routine distinctivly. wake up, clean up my mothers mess, make my sister and i breakfast, try and wake my mom up… get screamed at and hit for waking her up, then making natalie and i lunch… sitting in front of a t.v for hours… sometimes days, and then trying to entertain my younger sister… and give her the attention my mother should have been giving her. i would beg my mother to wake up, when 5 or 6 oclock would roll around she would roll out of bed and make us some unhealthy dinner and make another drink for herself. i told my dad for years that house was poison, but he was too focused on the girl he cheated on my mother with… dawna. then when my dad finally listened to me after seeing bruises and how depressed i was, and how preverted, touchy, and disgusting my mothers new boyfriend was, he finally got custody of us… then when he starts this new family, i told him countless times that i did not like them, but it didnt matter cuz i had no where to go. my mother was now homeless, and my father was too into his new wife to give a shit. Dawna tortured me, neglected me, and just flat out had it out for me for 8 YEARS, treating my like shit behind me fathers back but my father wouldnt listen. he was to mesmerized. 8 years of fights physical and vocal, 8 years of battles, 8 years of siblings i couldnt stand in my house, 8 years of being locked and sent to my room depressed, or locked outside of my house told because im fat i need to get some excersise and stay outside, and 8 years later he decided to listen to me because he realized his money is missing. No shit, she was a gold digger, just like her fucking daughters. then when they finally get a divorce, he chooses HER daughter over his own flesh and blood. he was mesmerized by her for some reason, too. when i had finally had enough of my father not being on my team, i had to kick her daughter out. it had to be done. one day she came home to her shit on the lawn. why have i been walked over and put through all of this emotional bullshit? why did my mother not fight for her kids? why did she trade me for a bottle of bacardi? why did my grandparents let it happen? why did my dad let it happen? why did my dad choose his new wife over me? why did he get custody of me and make me change my life around him if he was gong to do that? why was i so young, and why didnt i stand up to my mom like my older sister did? why has my mother been homeless for 9 years and cant hold a job? why do people think drugs are worse than alcohol? why has every other figure in my life make me want to kill myself? why did my dad choose so many people over me? why can i remember the most horrible, traumatic times of my childhood, and not one memory where im laughing? i just dont get it, im trying to look past it all but looking back, i have done way more then any other teenager i know, and would like some fucking support. nobody listens to me when i cry out for help, so whats the point? whats the point of living if both of your parents dont live to see you grow as an individual? i love my dad dont get me wrong, but he wasnt on my team untill my senior year of high school… the first time in my whole life where i feel like hes on my side, maybe thats because its the only side he has to choose from, which makes me upset. when i have children, if i ever do, i will live to live with them, i will live to please and reassure them of my love for them. i will never be the one to trade my 3 daughters for a bottle, or for sex. people dont understand why i am so stubborn, and emotionally unstable…its because the only support ive had my whole life is a sister 7 years older than me that has been bouncing from boyfriend to boyfriend house, barely keeping in contact, and my friends, and as everyone knows, friends change like outfits. the only one thats been by my side is kelly, and i cant thank her enough. shes kept me sane, and kept me from executing the evil and hurtful ideas in my head… without her i know for a fact, sadly, that i would not be hear today. sometimes, a lot less than previous years, i feel like it would just be so much easier to just end it all… ive had severe depression ever since i can remember, and id like to thank my mother for that. medication and therapy dont help me, wish someone would or could understand…. or could help me :/
Feel like I’m in over my head in school work :/
Wish I wasn’t such a pussy… If I could end it right now I would
truth is, im too much of a pussy to kill or harm myself, but i constantly find myself thinking about it……….
"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."